Walls Come A'Crumblin' Down

It's amazing how much your life can change in just a couple of weeks. Nothing tangible such as my job, my apartment or my body (aside from a couple extra pounds from aggressive cookie ingestion). My life is different. Attitudes, my beliefs, my system of coping, motivation and drive. It started with a fight with my sister. Then the bitter realization that the people in my life will not ever be the way I want. Then suddenly knowing that everything I've believed and in which I had faith was really non-existant! Don't worry though.. the story has a happy ending. I'm at the threshold of rebuilding.

What an interesting sprial I've taken over the last two paychecks. Depression to anxiety. Crying to desperation. Bitterness to anger to apathy.

Let me back up a bit: I was very mature from a very young age. I realized very early that there was more to the world than what I could see and touch. Beauty was not purely physical but an effort, a journey, the life and blood behind the actions. Sculptures were moving. A single blade of grass a wonder. Laughter like a spring.

This "midlife" crisis didn't happen because I realized the futility of my body and my goals in life (like most people do). Mostly because my body has been traiterous for as long as I can remember. Secondly, my goals have changed and shifted dramaticaly in the past. Like when I decided to not be a teacher and to pursue professional singing and then choosing to follow a business career and put my music career on hold. I've dealt with life changing decisions.

This is harder. In thes crisis, appreciation of nature is difficult to grasp. Sex is no longer even a game I had made it. Dating is a joke. I'm so blase that I'm not even sure I'd make a good partner now. Learning is boring, reading is boring, exercise is boring, drinking is boring, whoring is boring, dating is boring, I am boring. And on and on. Ugh.

Friday, something happened. I reached bottom again. The gay love story I had just watched was boring. Depressing. Annoying. I was low. Very low. There I was in a club, beer in hand, sitting next to my friend and I decided that I had nothing left. No spiritual part was alive anymore. And THAT was really boring!

It was nice to realize that I'm tired of being depressed, and lonely, and bitter. It was boring. It's taking way to much energy to be bored. Time to rebuild. Being at the bottom is so passe now! It's kinda of interesting thinking about finding different ways of looking at life. Different views, different motivations. I have to. I can't continue on the way I was. That would lead to a bridge or a bottle or a blade. No thanks... I've been down that road. Not for me anymore.

So... I'm stepping out not knowing anything. No opinions. No motivations. Just a fresh look. Trying to figure it out. I'm not going to quit my job. Not going to end up backpacking across Europe (althought that does sound like fun). I just can't afford it, to be honest. So... I'll quit being depressed. Turn in my two week notice to weight watchers and low self-esteem. Serve a pink slip to my bitterness. I'm not going to swing the pendulum and be a happy go lucky perky boy. That is just as annoying as the lonely, dark, depressed guy. Just...... something else.