Severe Intensity

I think that I intimidate people.

In fact, I think it's becoming more and more evident that I am an itimidating guy. Apparently I can even be considered cold and heartless. These are disturbing revelations to me. Mostly I'm bothered because I know that on the inside, I'm not that way at all. Certainly, after people get to know me, they understand that I'm one of the most approachable and open people they've ever known. They can't imagine that I'm actually a shy, reticent guy. Shy and reticent. That's the way I see it. These are things I challenge myself to overcome, and now it's even more important as my shy, reticent behavior, and my concentration on overcoming that behavior, is sending wrong signals.

I'm a serious guy. I take my work seriously, my art seriously, my play seriously (well, at least my volleyball!). I want to be the best. I want to work towards improving myself in all things. I want to make things better. I want to excel, be perfect in all that I take on. There are some good things that come out of these attitudes, and, some bad. I'm beginning to see the effects of the bad side effects. I need to challenge myself to relax and find a balance between serious intensity towards bettering myself and being the best, and having fun. Challenge to relax. There are problems even in that statement. Maybe I just need to relax. Not relax in the traditional ways, massages, lazing in front of the TV, sleeping. Relaxing needs to happen in the serious moments. I need to relax in the volleyball game, the business meeting, at the bar or at parties, during rehearsal. Relaxing within the activity and the moment.

Relaxing into the moment. Maybe it's less relaxing into the moment then it is finding the joy. If I concentrate on the fun, joyous aspects of my job, my social interactions, my games and my practice, I have a feeling the relaxation will come. Hopefully that will come through on my face and those people who have never met me, will see the me that my friends and family know.