Being Gay

Being Gay is scary & exciting,
Terrifying & scintillating.
Simultaneously blessed & cursed.

On the edge,
In between,
A mix of the races.
Neither man or woman,
Or both at the same time.

Outsiders, different,
Shunned, misunderstood,
Disrespected.

At best, a novelty.
A wonder, a freak-show,
A great mystery to be marveled,
But not understood.

A tribe, a pack,
Fighting amongst ourselves.
Our human weaknesses & strengths
Amplified a hundredfold.

Helpless & strong,
Powerful & weak.

Strangers grappling in the night,
Looking for normality, release,
Enlightenment.

Being Gay is being led by
Your body & your mind.
Torn,
Following two opposite directions.
Driven mad trying to strike a balance.

Sex, love & relationships.
The chosen, or damned,
Are so few.
A thousandfold challenge.

Gay, the worst and best in life.

Circles

Everything comes around.
I feel like I'm moving forward
I realize I'm going in circles.

I'm back where I began.
Yet, I'm not.

The situation is the same:
Newly single
Working
Going out with friends
But, I've moved forward somehow.

Last time I was here:
Pain
Self-destruction
Self-pity
Regrets

Now:
At peace.
Knowing more.
Healthy.

Maybe one day my love life
Will be a forward moving path.

For now, I'm glad this new
Familiar place is happier,
Healthier,
Better.

Living

Party.
Visit a friend in the hospital.
Work.
Look for a new job.
Relaxation.

Learning more about your insecurities.
Feeling your mortality.
Frustration.
Trying to find a path.
Calming the storm.

Conquering low self-esteem.
Being there for support.
Getting by.
Back to square one.
Need more time.

Stepping forward in a relationship.
Cherishing your friendships.
Hoping for a better future.
Recharging for the next step.
Trying to bring peace to the day to day.

A Moment of Passion Expressed Only by Words

I put down my book and my mind is alive
Words, wonder, emotions.
The letter I wrote him is alive
Living, breathing, hot, writhing.
My heart scrawled on inadequate paper.

The letter betrays the intense passion I feel.
My body, my spirit yearns for him.
His blond/blue scorches the inside of my eyelids.
His arms are achingly real to my empty grasp.
I want him close.
My head on his chest.
His lips.
The feeling of him inside.
I want to press my chest against his sleeping back
Draw his slumbering soul into my safe haven.
I want his head on my arm
My hand snugly around him in comfort and care.

His neck and shoulders are a wonder.
My lips kiss and caress them involuntarily.
His laughter, quickness, intensity,
suppressed fury, deep sorrow, sweet innocence,
Fear, longing, loyalty, love, passion and mystery
Haunt my waking moments and deepest dreams.

I see in this beginning possibilities
Of years of discovery.
I fear losing the future,
So I allow only the present.

Very soon I will see him again.
How simple and beautiful it will be.
I do not know the details,
The words exchanged, or activities engaged.
I only know that my fingers
will once again touch him.
My eyes look on his stunning beauty,
My breath catch in my throat.

It is enough to know I will see him again.
How wonderful it would be to have a lifetime
To see him again and again.

Foreign Rain

Even the Rain is different here.
Lush, sensual.
Every drop laden with sexual fullness.

The men, beautiful.
Each nose, darkly lashed eye,
Curl of hair falling into the face
Worn unknowingly with grace and masculinity.

At home there is a frantic job.
Unfocused and frighteningly pointless.
Pushing pixels and images around on a screen.
Channeling money and going home with little.

A relationship, shifting.
Intensity, indifference, passion, ambivalence.
I was warned,
Told what was coming my way.
Does that make it right?

It's so easy to fall into tropical oblivion.

The sun blasts away thought.
Body and mind washed in blowing sand, bobbing waters.
Some come to lose and refill their soul.
Mine, already full, seeks only a moment of peace.

Sun, sand, water and luscious rain
Now strengthen me for the trip home.
I am armed again with the joy and wisdom
That set me apart when I was young.

My body craves the physical strength
It has forgotten and never fully explored.
I shunned and tortured it because
I fear the power of beauty.

Power no longer scares me.
Full lips, strong muscles, sexual energy
Flaunts itself in front of me.
An endless parade of willing bodies
Which no longer tempt me.
I remained true to the doubtful one.

Self restraint has opened up the world.
My body awaits, my mind itches for more.
Sumptuous rain, burning sun
No longer temptation but rejuvenation.