A Chorus Line

Dreams and thoughts,
Memories.

Memories of nervousness,
Adrenaline,
Powerful legs,
Weak arms,
Steady breath,
Cracking that note.

Auditions were different in school.
Safe.
Art didn't pay the rent.
The adrenaline was ego induced.
Bragging rights.
Experience building.

An audition today?
Terrifying.
Can this vessel contain
All those youthful emotions?

I miss the rush,
Not the insecurity.
I miss the ART,
Not the aggrevation.
"you're too serious"
"your voice is beautiful,
not powerful"
"too fat"

What kind of life is that?
What kind of life is there
Without the music,
Passion,
Emotion and heat.

Birthday Boy

31 is just like 30.
I guess I'm in my early 30's now.

Most feel their years press on them by now.
I'm embracing those years.
I want more.
I want to move forward.
Dwelling on the past has been too destructive.

I'm stronger.
Faster.
Smarter.

I felt the same when I turned 25,
30,
and now today.

Did I do anything special?
I sat on a bench in Washington Square Park
With two of my best friends.

We were quiet and enjoyed the sun,
The people,
Each other.

They left, and I sat,
Enjoying the sun,
The people,
Myself.

Birthday's are great!

Married Men

Silently reading their papers.
Glasses on one,
None on the other.

Middle of the road clothing.
Not too flashy,
Not too dull.

The train crowds.
They move closer to make room.

Words are not necessary,
Your matching rings say it all.

You are our dream fulfilled.
I don't cringe with jealousy,
But pick up pen and paper,
To celebrate your quiet happiness.

I see and know.

It will happen.
It can happen.
It does happen.

Someday the world will catch up.

For now, you ride quietly together on the train,
Sharing your Saturday morning
On your way to a destination unknown.

Missing a Man

My thoughts bring you back to me.
Your golden hair and blue eyes.
Such a sappy sentiment, but I can't help myself.

I remember your lips,
Your sweet "hey."
The thought of holding your hand and hearing your voice,
Send me over the edge into la-la land.

I can't wait to hold, talk and be with you again.

Who knew this cynical soul
Could recapture the childhood wonder
I thought was gone forever.

Earth Air Water Fire

The world presses in on you.
Red tape, emails, bills, politics.

The sun hits your skin and warms your cold blood.
The air brushes across your face and dries the tears of frustration.
Water sprinkles on you and cools the heat of anger.
Earth, plants, dirt, soil, loam.
All help remind you of the simplicity of a bud of a flower,
The sweet fruit on the vine,
Mud pies from your childhood.

Peace again.

Juxtaposition

Sunny days and corporate bullshit.
Companies that "do no evil" and pay their employees like crap.
Massages and parties in lieu of sustainable income.
Free lunches when all you can think about it how you're going to feed yourself over the weekend.
Working twice as hard for half the pay.

All common themes.
Everyone deals with this.
Is this what corporate America is like?
Even at the "Good" companies?

Wrestling

Last night the sun and the moon wrestled.

Blazing burning passion wrapped in the arms of slow burning intensity.
Blue eyes meet brown.
A tangle of white lips and limbs, touching and groping
Coming together and moving apart
Only the blond and brown hair gave distinction to the melding parts.

Souls and bodies intertwined like a fleshy yin and yang.

High energy meets cool passion.
Burning rays of the sun give light to the moon,
And the moons gentle tide-moving power entrances the sun.

A beautiful pair, wrestling in the night.

The moon weeps from joy as it bathes in the light of the sun.
With out the sun it weeps in the darkness
Craving the warmth and intensity of the sun's gaze.

The moon is used to waiting, watching and timing the seasons,
Patiently he moves through the sky
Looking forward to his next match with the Sun God.

A Sharper Image

Love is like a picture.
(don't you hate it when someone starts like that... but it's so true!)

Love is like a picture coming into focus.

It's fuzzy at first, but you're curious.
You've paused to see what's behind the blurs.
The water lillies-esque facade is, by itself, beautiful.
The blend of colors and amorphous shapes exude an intoxication.
You fall into the delightful uncertainty, the freedom from form and constraints.
Color rules.

Over time the picture sharpens.
The lines become more distinct.
Airbrushed effects lose their power.
Every flaw comes into full examination.

Love celebrates those flaws.
Clairty brings more facets of wonder.
The morning light brightens the scene,
And allows you to look deeper into the eyes of love.

You're patient for now.
Enjoying the colors,
Observing the slow work of focus.
You bide your time and enjoy the journey.
Just as wisdom lightens your steps over time,
Deepening your understanding and brightening your path with age,
So too does love.

All comes clear in time.

Nerves

New things can cause nervousness.
Excitement is so easily transformed to nervousness.
Fear is a major cause of nervousness.

I'm starting something new.
Something young and in it's infantile state.
I feel like a new parent, unsure of what to do and afraid of hurting something so small, fragile and precious.
I also feel excited.
Such possibilities ahead of me.

How do you combat the nerves?
Looking too far ahead can cause too much anxiety.
The future is so unsure for all things.
Looking hard at the past makes you second guess every decision, thought, nuance and inflection.
The past is unchangeable.

It is hard, but I will combat nerves as I do with all new things:
Enjoy each and every moment, do not look too far ahead, and try not to dwell on the past.

This is my new mantra.

To be read at my father's funeral

My heart is torn asunder.
My soul rips in two and grief fills everything I have ever known.

Words are not enough.
How can you say how much he loved me?
No one can accurately describe the depth of his love for his wife and children.
If words were like grains of sand or stars in the sky,
There would be too few to capture it all.
If only everyone in the world
Were lucky enough to have someone
Love them so fully, completely
And unconditionally.

In his eyes, I was nothing less than perfect.
In my eyes he is perfect,
And I will miss him.

You will live in me forever.
You will be with me forever.

You wanted nothing but happiness for me.

So, when I am happy, that...that is where you will be.

Kisses

He held my hand, stopped me in the street, turned me around and kissed me. I wish I could say it was only the kiss that made me swoon. Though it had the power to do so, it was the combination of delightful chatter, intense looks, the feel of his knee beneath my hand, the beautiful words, his brilliant mind and his lips. All of those things coupled with a kiss that steals breath away has taken me to a higher place. I'm in a child like state of wonder. Everything is beautiful. Love songs chime in my head. Works of poetry and novellas of love are simultaneously composed both trying, and failing, to capture the pure intensity of passion, romance and budding love that sparks and charges between these two bodies.

I had forgotten what it was like. I had forged a new way of looking at relationships that had nothing to do with love and only to do with convenience and comfort.

Now I realize my foolishness. I've met someone where I can see love and comfort in beautiful harmony. The kind of person with whom I can see growing older. I touch his hand and see the moment and all of the subsequent happy, painful, sweet, emotional, upsetting, joyous and intense moments that are coming in the days, weeks, months, and coming years.

Besos, Baci, Kisses. So much promise, beauty, passion all bottled into such a simple meeting between two people.

It's a beautiful thing.