On Death and Taxes

I've recently been reading the autobiography of Benjamin Franklin. He has inspired the headline of this entry.

Death, not taxes, has touched me twice in the last week. I heard recently of a friend's acquaintance that committed suicide that unsettled me. I have my own past brushes with suicidal tendencies, so the news triggered some unsettling memories and feelings despite the fact that I never met this person. In a way, I feel I can relate. I've been there before. That precipice is such and easy place to return to once you've been there.

My friend and co-worker Matty died last night. He was such a great guy. He was a friend and an inspiration when I first started working here on his team. I think I remember describing him before as one of those "perfect straight guys." You know, the guy who all the girls want because he's so sweet, so funny, and full of joy. The one who treats people with such respect and honor, comfortable in his own skin and always wearing a smile.

Good-bye Matty. You will be missed.

Return to Music

Music has been such a huge part of my life.
It was a place for me to express the
Deep emotion I had inside me as a child.
Music, along with religion was an acceptable
Way for me, as a boy, to cry, exalt,
Sing, dance, mourn, emote and thrill.

Ultimately music won over religion.
Religious college, music major.
Sometimes antithetical.
Music the free form of emotion,
Religion, emotional, but only within bounds.
Both triggered deep wells of sorrow, tears, joy
Elation, fear, wonder and power.

Music consumed, directed, propelled.
In many ways I allowed those around me
To drive me instead of the music.
Expectations I was trying to fulfill,
Standards to exceed.
Perfection to be obtained.
Life also competed with music.
Bills, money for head shots,
Traveling for auditions, rehearsals
Conflicting with work, roles that didn't pay.

Work now dominates.
I pay my rent, my school loans,
My power bill.
I can see my family without my
Train ticket breaking the bank.
I have friends, routines, sports,
Nights out, dates, coffee shops.
Sometimes emptiness.

Yesterday I sang.
I sang with abandon.
My voice soared into my heart and
Soul and revived sleeping emotions.
Today the world seems brighter,
Happier, clearer.
So simple.
A return to music.
My music, none other's.

Severe Intensity

I think that I intimidate people.

In fact, I think it's becoming more and more evident that I am an itimidating guy. Apparently I can even be considered cold and heartless. These are disturbing revelations to me. Mostly I'm bothered because I know that on the inside, I'm not that way at all. Certainly, after people get to know me, they understand that I'm one of the most approachable and open people they've ever known. They can't imagine that I'm actually a shy, reticent guy. Shy and reticent. That's the way I see it. These are things I challenge myself to overcome, and now it's even more important as my shy, reticent behavior, and my concentration on overcoming that behavior, is sending wrong signals.

I'm a serious guy. I take my work seriously, my art seriously, my play seriously (well, at least my volleyball!). I want to be the best. I want to work towards improving myself in all things. I want to make things better. I want to excel, be perfect in all that I take on. There are some good things that come out of these attitudes, and, some bad. I'm beginning to see the effects of the bad side effects. I need to challenge myself to relax and find a balance between serious intensity towards bettering myself and being the best, and having fun. Challenge to relax. There are problems even in that statement. Maybe I just need to relax. Not relax in the traditional ways, massages, lazing in front of the TV, sleeping. Relaxing needs to happen in the serious moments. I need to relax in the volleyball game, the business meeting, at the bar or at parties, during rehearsal. Relaxing within the activity and the moment.

Relaxing into the moment. Maybe it's less relaxing into the moment then it is finding the joy. If I concentrate on the fun, joyous aspects of my job, my social interactions, my games and my practice, I have a feeling the relaxation will come. Hopefully that will come through on my face and those people who have never met me, will see the me that my friends and family know.